Today's Battle

I sometimes love how there are moments of the pathetic in my life. I've tried to eradicate most of them, but sometimes I forget to be vigilant and fall victim to my own fixations. That's what causes the pathetic for me: fixation. I develop these habits, these patterns. I don't do them consciously, but once they're set, I'm doomed. I have to make a conscious effort to break them. One example: the holidays are here and therefore there are treats everywhere in our house. I know I have a hard time resisting when I'm home, so I made a new rule for myself: no treats at work. Who knew it was such a part of my afternoon routine?! It took three grueling weeks, but I finally broke the habit and am now no longer subject to the 3:30 gnawing. The sad thing is, even when it was going on I knew it was making me feel sluggish, but it was so engrained my routine that I had a hard time axing it. Anyway, I'm free from the vice, but you know what they say: something else will take its place if you're not careful. Well, careful I was not.

Two weeks ago it was my turn for the Costco run. I had the list and usually am pretty good about sticking to it, but I made the mistake of going before I had eaten dinner. I made a wrong turn looking for the olives and ended up in the chip aisle. Usually I am not tempted by chips, but I walked by the Cheez-Its and found my cart stopping.

"Cheez-Its," I thought. "Hmmm. I haven't had a Cheez-it in ages. This might be a fun snack to have in the house." Did I look at the nutrition information? Heck no. I just saw cheese and chip and purchased. In bulk.

To my credit, I have done very well with the Cheez-Its. A very small number of them accompany me on days when I bring a salad to work and that's the only time they are consumed. It offers a nice feeling of substance to an otherwise garden meal. The bad news: when you eat, food runs out, and yesterday I ran out of Cheez-Its.

Now, you'd think the solution to this problem would be easy. Except it's not. I hate grocery shopping. I hate Costco crowds. I hate Giant's setup. I hate Harris Teeter's parking. I loathe Shoppers' ghettoness. Consequently, Amy and I put off shopping until we can't take it anymore. Usually our breaking point is when I'm sitting on the floor in front of the pantry shelves yelling, "Amy! There's nothing to eat!" I mean, there's food there, but it would take effort, and even if we wanted to make the effort, we are missing just enough ingredients to not really be able to do much but eat a can of stewed tomatoes with pine nuts. Sick.

Add this fact to the part where we leave for the Thanksgiving holidays this week. Yes, we could get nonperishables before we leave, but that would require another trip to Costco or the regular grocery store upon our return. Heaven forbid we should have to go twice in one week. So we have to make do.

This morning I already pitched an internal fit about not having any Shredded Wheat to eat for breakfast. I was going to go hungry but my morning run won out and so I settled on oatmeal. (Side note: I usually love oatmeal, but this summer that was one of the only things I could eat. I think it might be years before I can eat oatmeal without a grimace.) After breakfast was solved, the next dilemma was lunch. I figured I should make a salad to use up the perishables that are left in the fridge, however, I hesitated. There were no Cheez-Its left. I decided not to worry, though. I had bought some the other day from the vending machine on 6 (when I forgot the baggie on the kitchen counter) so I decided I would just go down and buy some at lunch time. Well, noon came and my run-hunger was catching up with me again, so I went down to get my Cheez-Its. Bill in hand, I walk up to the vending machine only to find the Cheez-It slot was empty. "Arg!" I silently screamed. "Of course." (As if it was my firm's most ardent desire to deprive me of my snack.) So I walked back up the stairs and decided to try the 8th floor vending machine. Cold vending, no chips. Suck. Feeling slightly defeated, I decided to try the cafeteria on 10. Surely they would have them. No. Nothing. Totally robbed. What kind of office is this?! As I skulked back down the stairs, I decided to stop on 9, just for good measure...just in case. No dice.

I got back to my desk, which is on 7, and sat in front of my salad. I didn't want to eat it. I wanted the Cheez-Its that were supposed to go with it. I felt very dejected and a little bit foolish about my pathetic search for a lame cheesey chip. And all because of my dumb fixation on routine and taste and texture, and just as I was about to resign myself to eating the salad alone I remembered! The vending machine guide on our internal internet. I found one on 5 that I didn't try. I was feeling lukcy (read: hopeful) and so I took to the stairs once again. I almost got lost (I hate the 5th floor - hallways that lead to nowhere...) but at last I found the vending machine. I walked up, eyes bright with hope, and there they were: my very own bag of Cheez-Its. "Ha- HA!" I yelled, then looked around to see if had heard my exclamation. Ashamed, but with Cheez-Its in hand, I walked back to my desk and ate my salad with great satisfaction. Pathetic: yes. Determined: yes. Rewarded: Absolutely.