Finding Joy

Dave said I needed to blog about today, so here I go.

Wedding planning has been hard. One might even go so far as to use the word "loathing" to describe my true feelings about it. It is the surest way to grump city for me these days. So this morning, when Dave suggested we go (read: dragged me) to the bridal expo here in St. George, I was less than enthusiastic. And he knew it. But he insisted anyway. I had just run the St. George half marathon and my legs were pretty tired. Jenni and Brock were in town for the race and I really just wanted to spend time with them doing FUN things. But, while I was in the shower, they all conspired to get me to the expo. So off we went.

When we got there, we discovered I, as the bride, was the only one who could get in for free. Everyone else had to pay. Dave ponied up the extra cash, insisting it was an investment in his own mental and emotional health for me to have good friends with me through this endeavor.

So, there we were...in my own personal wedding planning hell. There were cakes and tables and photographers and videographers and DJs and florists, all clamoring for my business. I wanted to run. But I was feeling good from my successful race, so I decided to just see what was there and be open to possibilities.

In the space of 2 hours, we found a great photographer we really connected well with who takes the kinds of photos we really like (at a smokin' price), realized we could do a lot of stuff ourselves without hiring out, and got a final count on the tables and chairs out at our reception site (and met our contact for the first time). The best part, however, was right at the end.

We walked into the corner of the room where a photo booth was set up. We jumped in on a whim and took a series of pictures, some silly and some serious, and they turned out SO CUTE. We chatted the guy up for a little while and said we would think about it. I thought for sure we wouldn't think about it, but the more we walked around and I looked at our photo strip, the more excited I got. It was an additional expense we hadn't budgeted in, but it gave me the element I really felt like we were missing. I felt like our reception had no personality. Well, none of MY personality. But I LOVE pictures. I love people being able to take goofy pictures. I love having a record of things that I can look back on and remember my favorite times. I said as much to Dave maybe two or three times as we walked around as we were casually talking through things. He finally realized this was the missing piece and walked right back to the booth and booked the guy for our reception!!

I was floating on air the whole rest of the night. And suddenly, the loathing has disappeared. I'm sure there will be elements I don't love, but I feel so happy about the progress we made today. Dave said, you better blog about this so you can refer back to these feelings...and so your audience can hold you accountable. So here you go. We had a great day of wedding planning! March 17 can't come fast enough now!!

Dresses and Moonrises

So, I bought my dress in Salt Lake City without really thinking about the logistics of alterations and fittings while living in St. George. In my defense, I didn't really think I would be moving to St. George as soon as I actually did. And even when I left, I thought, no big deal. Then, when I actually GOT to St. George, I realized that the reason I moved there in the first place is because the drive is long and a little pricey. [sigh] Consequently, the dress has been a serious source of stress since it was purchased. So, imagine my delight when Dave informed me that he had to go up to SLC for a meeting and wanted to know if I wanted to come with him and hang out with my family and friends for a few hours. I called the dress shop, found out that all pieces of the dress had arrived, and scheduled a fitting!

With transportation logistics solved, I felt a lot better, but there was still the stress of whether or not the dress was actually going to fit. I prayed that the alterations were not going to be complicated. I couldn't really afford the stress and time of extensive alterations. Plus, the holidays were not kind to the bootie. I prayed it still fit...

I had a lot of time to think on the flight up. Turns out wedding planning is not actually my favorite thing, but getting married to Dave is the best decision I've ever made. I have to keep reminding myself, especially when I feel like sitting in the middle of the floor and giving up, that the most important thing at the end of the day is that I'm married to Dave. Everything else is just extra happiness. I was thinking about all of this while watching the sun set in the west. The whole horizon was a rich orange, yellow, and red. Then I looked east. I saw a similarly colored glow behind the mountains. I'll admit, I was confused for a moment, but just then the moon peeked out from behind the mountain. It was such a beautiful sight to see the sun disappear and the moon appear at almost the same moment.

The moon climbed higher in the sky as we got closer to our destination. Once, when Dave was on his way to come see me (when we were still doing the distance thing), Dave had sent me a text exulting over the beauty of night flying over Utah lake. I didn't ever think I would have that experience for myself, and yet there were were, flying over Utah Lake, bathed in moonlight. There are certain things you just can't see from the ground, and that's one of them.

We landed safe and sound. The dress fit. Dave made it to his meeting. And he made it home safely. Now he's back in St. George and I'm in Utah County, getting "recharged," which really means purchasing items that can't be found in St. George and wedding planning with dear friends and family.

Confessions of a recently engaged woman

1. I never thought I was a shiny ring kind of girl. But I tell you what--when someone grabs my hand and tells me how beautiful my ring is, all I can think is what a good job Dave did and how happy I am that he didn't listen to me (as far as size). It's so pretty!

2. I always thought I didn't have opinions about certain wedding planning things, but now as I'm presented with decisions I find that I do have opinions. Strong ones, it turns out. And it's really stressing me out. I think I need to find some soul-centering activity, like yoga.

3. I wasn't going to have bridesmaids. I thought I was too old for that nonsense. Then I started trying to plan a wedding alone in St. George and without a mother. I now have six bridesmaids and my wedding planning life is a thousand times better. Now if I could just find appropriate dresses, we would be set.

4. While we're on the topic of my mom, planning a wedding without her has been hard. We're coming up on the two year anniversary of her death and, while I try not to let it, the date kind of looms. Yesterday I was so stressed out with planning that I woke up in the wee hours of the morning and couldn't get back to sleep. Irrational thoughts ruled the darkness and I started getting scared of the future. It reached its fever pitch when, suddenly and unexpectedly, I felt sleepy and couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. I dreamed that I was allowed to talk to Mom on the phone about all of my worries. I don't recall the details of our conversation, only that in the end she told me it would be okay and, when I woke up, my heart was at peace. I think maybe she's more involved in this whole process than I realize. I'm positive she's doing all she can to make sure I don't screw it up.

5. Pretty sure I'm going to be living by the spreadsheet for the next couple of months. It feels so good to put everything into their own little box. I am a recovering red, after all.

6. I love Dave. Every day I am amazed that this is even happening. It's such a miracle that we found each other. Even more of a miracle that we fell in love with each other. He'll for sure blush when (if) he reads this, but, you know, I live with my crazy every day. I know what kinds of cracked out things go on in my head. So it's amazing to me that he loves me, crazy and all. Every once in a while the crazy makes its way out of my mouth and falls on his ears. The longer we are together, the more of those cracked out ideas, thoughts, opinions, rants, etc. he gets. And what does he do? Most of the time he just laughs. Sometimes he hugs me, but that's only if my internal dialogue is accompanied or followed by tears (like last night). But most of the time he just laughs. If it were anyone else, I would smack them, but for some reason when he does it, I am able to see just how ridiculous I am and usually start laughing, too. We are going to have a wonderful life, I think.