Family

This confessional blog is usually reserved for all things absurd, but today I've felt compelled to write about something very dear to my heart. This is very difficult for me to write about, because the last thing I want to do is alienate or offend people. My heart is full of love for all of mankind, a capacity that has only increased since I got married a year ago. I never knew so much love was possible, and was frankly rather surprised that it extended beyond my marriage and out into the universe. Where I was once happy to keep to myself with only a few close friends, my heart has been opened to my husband's friends and family, my community, and just people in general. I feel like my family has been extended ten-fold, and that's what I want to talk about today: Family. 

Marriage was a big change for me. The emotional closeness that is required for a successful marriage was uncomfortable and unnerving at first, but the payout has been so worth it. As we have tried (rather unsuccessfully) to expand our family and faced the struggles and realities of being older parents trying to get pregnant, I've had family on the brain. And of course, as we've struggled with this aspect of our lives, there is another different yet related struggle going on outside of the walls of our home. At the heart of the debate is the question, "What is family?" 

It's true: with the changing tides and natural evolution of society, the family has taken on many forms, adapting to the needs and circumstances of life. Some of those adaptations are positive. For instance, where women at one point in history were shunned from society for having a child out of wedlock, forced to raise their children in poverty, there are now more options for women who find themselves in those circumstances. In addition, there is no longer the social stigma that once excluded them from "polite" company, as it was seen back then. However, with these changes have come other unintended consequences.

Now, instead of a few isolated incidents in small communities, all over the country there are women who are raising children on their own, with the assistance of their families as well as government welfare, who are not protected by the obligations that marriage places upon a man to take care of his family. I have seen it first-hand: they are left on their own to struggle. That woman has to work, take her kids to school, clean the house, make sure the kids do their homework, find something for the family to eat...it's too much for most anyone to do it all.  Something's eventually going to have to give. The same positive social progression that has accepted these women into society rather than cast them out as social pariahs has also taken away some of the shame that kept men and women from falling into the situation in the first place. It's complicated.

I have friends who grew up in homes like this. I have friends who grew up in abusive homes (emotionally and/or physically) who have no interest in binding themselves to another person but are happy and well-adjusted. I have friends who were raised by a single parent and feel that they are as well off or better off than some of their peers with two parents. I have dear friends who are gay and lesbian who don't see a difference between their love and my husband's and my love. I interact almost everyday with an entire community who believes that their love should extend to having multiple wives legally--good, kind people, hard workers. These friends that I have who have been raised in what we tend to term "broken homes" have turned out okay. Better than okay in a lot of cases. But I believe that in most cases they are the exceptions to the rule. But these exceptions are trotted out AS the rule in the debate on family and marriage, which is deceptive and taints the discussion with distorted facts.

As such, some discard the notion of marriage as old fashioned, out of date. Some hold to it fiercely. Some want to expand its definition. I can see each point of view pretty clearly and of course I don't have a solution. It's something I've wrestled with for many years without a lot of success. 

Thankfully I found a wonderful man to marry, but I was only ready for him after a couple rounds of therapy and some pretty hard knocks in life. I could not imagine divorce in my life, but I understand why it happens. Marriage is hard.  

In the case of gay marriage, I don't know what it feels like to be attracted to a woman. I don't know why, if marriage is (as I, and many others, believe it to be) divinely appointed to be between a man and a woman, God would "allow" same-sex attraction to even be part of the equation. Those are things I don't have answers to. For most of my single years, I let the lack of answers to these questions hang me up on coming to a definitive conclusion on how I felt about marriage. I was on no side. I felt like taking a side was "mean" and lacked compassion and understanding. But, marriage has changed me. And it has only changed me in the last couple of months on this particular topic as I have contemplated what it means for my husband and me to try to bring a child into this world. I feel like I have finally arrived at a place in my life where I feel comfortable with my stance even though I don't have all the answers I would like to have.

So I guess I just want to put out in the universe that I am pro-family. Which brings us back full circle to the question of "What is family?" Sure, there's the saying that family is who we choose. Sometimes they are related to us, and sometimes they aren't. But as far as creating a family, I believe that a child has the best chance of success when he or she has a loving father and mother who are married, working hard to get along and love each other and love their kids. Sure, there are always exceptions to the rule, but there is a rule. The family is divinely appointed. It's also good for society. It's good for men to be legally responsible for their offspring. It's good for education. It's good for the economy. It protects children. The thing is, it's not easy. Unfortunately, though, we are in a phase where things that are not easy are easily cast off. Resilience is lost. Working through pain is a forgotten concept. We take pills to cover instead of pay for therapy to fix or, heaven forbid, turn to deity for help. And I feel like I can say those things because I have been there. The ideal takes a LOT of work, but I know it's worth it. I am a product of it. I am working with my husband to create this for our family. We will make a lot of mistakes, just like my parents did, but I believe that we are giving our children the best chance at a healthy and successful life if we will work at it. 

The problem is, for me to come down on the side of "pro-family"--which includes opposing no-fault divorce as well as gay marriage--to most people on the other side of the debate this automatically makes me a hater, a bigot, and one who seeks to oppress others. And it's just not true. 

That's all.